MINI Cooper Convertible
It’s been a Long Cold Lonely Winter…
Fearful of coracle levels of instability and flex, the original Mini never rolled off the line without a roof. However, the suffix ‘Cooper’ did actually denote an engine breathed on by the eponymous tuning company.
Proper Cabriolet or Posturing Canvas Cabaret?
Roof well insulated and snug in place, opening in 18 seconds -through intermediate, sunroof position- to fold astern, stacked like concertinaed layers of molten liquorice. Rear view mirror of interest to ornithologists and astronomers only.
All the Packaging Ingenuity of a Reverse Tardis
Driver ergonomics fine, but rear seats bolt upright. Four extra inches in length rewards with less than an inch and half extra rear legroom. A fighting chance for children who actually have knees; adults forget it.
Be Careful What You Wish For…
Disco-complex light show-abetted frenzy of class and clunk in equal measure, all centred around wok-sized no-longer-speedometer of the original. Media and CHILI Packs account for nigh on six grand’s worth of kitchen sink. All the toys.
Three-Pot Heaven or Pot Noodle Hell?
Most powerful three-cylinder turbo unit here equates to superior performance, largely on paper. Needs Sport mode engaged and ample stick stirring to wake up the engine room. Why is it christened Cooper; does it make barrels?
Goes Down the Road Like a Frog in a Sock
Easily the most mature drive here. Sharp, meaty steering, remarkably good ride quality and taut, engaging handling despite complete absence of lid. Indeed, so much air on offer there’s a real danger of being lashed to death by your own quiff.
Verdict
Pricey at the outset, absurdly expensive with options added, and not particularly well packaged. A baffling meld of the somewhat silly and the highly sophisticated.
Fiat 500C Lounge
It’s been a Long Cold Lonely Winter…
500 immensely popular with those boasting left arms put out of action by handbag in crook of elbow and mobile phone held permanently aloft like vanity mirror. 500C adds salon nails, big hair and enormous sunglasses.
Proper Cabriolet or Posturing Canvas Cabaret?
Via ‘small’ and ‘surfeit of’ sunroof stages, canvas retires sufficiently far astern to render rear view mirror obsolete. But vehicle and roof sides remain stolidly in place, reminding occupants of anchovies under a freshly unwound tin lid.
All the Packaging Ingenuity of a Reverse Tardis
Driving position hampered by lack of steering reach adjust and tiny pedal box. The former sponsoring extra rear seat legroom, however, aft accommodation the most realistic proposition here. Front seats still hungry glove puppet over-attentive.
Be Careful What You Wish For…
Acceptable standard equipment requires modest, sub-two grand options outlay to upgrade to 7″ touch-screen, DAB radio and TomTom navigation, climate control, leather, more daring headlamps and larger alloys. Stuff you don’t want includes red brake callipers.
Three-Pot Heaven or Pot Noodle Hell?
Only two cylinders on offer, but Fiat’s TwinAir displays terrific character. Outstandingly eager to rev and feels the most willing unit here by a considerable chalk, all the while thrumming away like a fake Levis Filipino sweat shop.
Goes Down the Road Like a Frog in a Sock
So much upper body structure still in place that ride quality and body control are barely tainted; think standard 500 with additional double-sided tape under the toupee. Engine enthusiasm makes pottering impossible; death to fuel economy.
Verdict
Everything that Fiat does best with the roof replaced by cannibalised chunks of accordion. Artfully packaged and surprisingly appealing.
CAR WINNER
Smart Fortwo Cabrio
It’s been a Long Cold Lonely Winter…
The cheapest cabrio on sale in the UK, the fourth generation smart fortwo will still turn through 180 degrees on any coin of the realm you choose, and is still a whisker too long to park nose-on to the pavement.
Proper Cabriolet or Posturing Canvas Cabaret?
More the former than the latter, thanks largely to removable roof side rails (without over much fuss) which store in a sniper rifle case-snug compartment built into the inside of the diminutive tailgate. Beware showers, though.
All the Packaging Ingenuity of a Reverse Tardis
Obviated from the responsibility of providing rear seats, the smart majors on maximising big car feel up front which, abetted by and extra 10cm of width, it achieves with some success. A fine driving position.
Be Careful What You Wish For…
Standard equipment list let down by absence of touch-screen multimedia system. Urban chic roughed up by switchgear-obscuring smartphone cradle projecting from dash like crappy medieval wall-torch holder. Free nav’ app connectivity barely appeases.
Three-Pot Heaven or Pot Noodle Hell?
Nauseating, nodding-dog progress gone forever thanks to new, double-clutch automatic transmission. But shudders like a Priory inmate at idle, and this lesser, non-turbocharged engine can be outstripped in the dash by a well-slung handful of confetti.
Goes Down the Road Like a Frog in a Sock
Unexpected bonus of extra width is greater suspension travel, for a gentle improvement in ride comfort. But no getting over the occasional, short wheelbase-sponsored bucking, and no point pressing through corners unless straight on is your bag.
Verdict
Change of gearbox has transformed the driving experience. If you have no children, no luggage and no moustache, look no further.
Vauxhall Adam Rocks Air
It’s been a Long Cold Lonely Winter…
Living proof of why Toyota took the decision to restrict the personalisation variations on the Aygo. Can’t have the punters drifting into the showroom knowing more about the options list than the hapless shiny suit himself, now can we?
Proper Cabriolet or Posturing Canvas Cabaret?
Er… ‘Rocks’ refers to a 15mm increase in ride height and plastic nappies, and ‘Air’ refers to what is essentially an electric, canvas folding sunroof. What a tangled web marketing department new niche-seekers weave.
All the Packaging Ingenuity of a Reverse Tardis
Good looking and comfortable interior enlivened by body coloured dashboard, door and console panels, and then spoiled by nasty, dated, red multi-information screen in driver’s binnacle. Comfortable in the front, bearable astern.
Be Careful What You Wish For…
A flotilla of disastrous puns such as ‘Pappa Don’t Peach’ and ‘I’ll be Black’ hint at legion levels of personalisation available. Reasonable specification, but 7″ touch-screen requires smartphone link to acquire sat’ nav’ via optional ‘Intellilink’ system.
Three-Pot Heaven or Pot Noodle Hell?
New 1.0 litre turbo one of the best things about the car. Least three-pot-sounding delivery here; quiet, refined and surprisingly nippy through the gears. Shame roof aperture suffers from Huey rotor blade thud at certain speeds.
Goes Down the Road Like a Frog in a Sock
The extra ride height, wider tracks and retuned suspension does the Rocks no favours over the standard issue Adam; it rides lumps and potholes like a cutlery tray dropped from a helicopter. Settles at speed.
Verdict
A fine donor car thoroughly mucked about with by those who should get out more. Or stay in more. Or do something else entirely for a living.