Audi S8

The very first iteration of Audi’s Big Grille was smeared across the front of an wholly innocent A8 in 2005, and today, now model ubiquitous some 15 years later, the company still struggles to make it look any better than the business end of an inflatable doll wearing chrome lipstick.

I recall, at the launch of said limo, having a dangerously polite discussion with some hapless designer wheeled out to defend the decision of his new boss, Walter de Silva, to turn the leading element of the latter’s 2003 Nuvolari quattro concept fantasy into fat-faced fact.  

Combining the previously brand-staple upper and lower grilles to form one giant gob was, I was told, ‘the logical thing to do’. Not, I countered, if the upshot is ugly. And that’s about as far as the argument progressed: he deploying logic to justify Audi’s desire for even more instantly recognisable road presence than four interlocking rings imbues, and me going ‘Yuck’.

Thing is, Walter’s a history man, and he had plenty of that to work with at Alfa Romeo thanks to the scudetto -‘little shield’- that has adorned the bows of the brand in innumerable guises since the 1930s.

But all that turning time’s telescope on relevant Teutons of the same period revealed was the all-grille front of an Auto Union Type C that left so little room for the cockpit once V16 and fuel tank had been installed aft that ace Hans Stuck wrote to Dr Ferry Porsche complaining bitterly about having to shackle the car’s wilful propensity for oversteer with a vast steering wheel snugged codpiece-tight into his lap…

Don’t get me wrong; I get it… I just don’t get it. Would you rather see a great looking car and wonder who makes it, or see an ugly one shouting its name at you? To this day, it strikes me that the only Audi on which the big grille even vaguely works is the first iteration of R8; a bonnet line lower than a snakes testicles forcing the grille into something approximating a pleasing proportion.

Now, the reason I over-mention the big grille is because it very much detracts from that which -naked aluminium door mirrors aside- was always one of an early S8’s finest attributes; bonnet and boot width dominated their respective heights to the extent that the finished article, though deliciously understated, looked wide, low and fantastic.

Not any more. The overall package may still be somewhat understated, but the boot lid now sits even higher than the significantly raised bonnet, and the first quattro-aping wheel arch blistering -which makes a perceived width-enhancing appearance hither and thither on the Audi range- has here become so faint as to be entirely subliminal. The upshot? The car looks far too tall, and has lost its cool.

Which is a pity, because pretty much everything else about the S8 is very cool indeed.

It’s extremely comfortable, front or back, the driving position is first class – no matter how hastily constructed you are, and, courtesy of three screens, the instrumentation and switchgear is pretty much entirely touch-based digital.

The first of these screens is the driver’s instrument binnacle. And, despite the fact that I still scratch my head somewhat at replacing what has always been the last word in analogue dial quality with digital alternatives that can never be quite as sharp-suited, Audi’s ‘Virtual Cockpit’ still leads the field in iterations of this stripe.

Stacked in landscape format, the second and third screens hog the centre console, the upper looking after infotainment, navigation and such, the lower climate control and destination input. Mercifully, you can set up the touch screens to give a click of haptic feedback to your fingertips (a boon on the move), and, even more mercifully, you can summon a keyboard screen for entering destinations rather than trying to write legibly enough with your left hand for the software to understand you.

All of which having been said, and though currently the best there is out there, none of the above is as fast and user-friendly as a bunch of buttons, knobs and switches, particularly -like every other touch screen-based system- on the move. Ho, hum: the people want what the people get…

Happily, they’ll definitely want what’s under the bonnet – a 3996 cc twin-turbocharged V8 good for 563 bhp at 6000rpm and a handsome 590 lb ft of torque from just 2000rpm which, via eight-speed transmission and all-wheel drive -and perhaps a tad too quietly for those who love to listen to their V8s- will fling this 2.2 tonne machine to 62mph in just 3.8 seconds, and on to a predictably governed 155mph.

Along with cylinder deactivation, there’s also a 48-volt mild-hybrid system which, although it doesn’t offer any more oomph, allows the car to coast with the engine switched off and, amongst other tasks, powers an extremely trick predictive active suspension system.

This you will first notice when it automatically raises the car’s ground clearance by 50mm every time someone tugs a door handle, and then get the most out of when you start rummaging through the drive modes on offer…

In a labelling conceit right up there with the volume controls on Spinal Tap’s amplifiers going up to 11, there is no Comfort setting in the S8’s drive mode selection; merely Comfort+.

Wherein you are automatically awarded two new schmooze-enhancing suspension attributes: Firstly, a tilt mechanism that leans the car three degrees into corners, which you may or may not notice. And, secondly, a system which scans the road ahead with a camera and prepares the undercarriage accordingly to suppress both pitch and roll. This you may or may not notice because you are an Audi driver and, hence, will have filled the road immediately ahead with another car, preventing the system from working.

Combine these goodies with Audi’s ‘sport differential’ which distributes torque across the rear axle and all-wheel steering which dramatically reduces the S8’s turning circle at low speeds while enhancing stability at pace, and all is in place to make a big, comfortable car disport itself with almost unseemly aplomb.

Most importantly, all that technological trickery makes the S8 feel a lot smaller than it actually is, encouraging super-smooth travel, at considerable pace, with almost unseemly effortlessness. Indeed it’s something of a shame that there’s so little noise emanating from the engine room to remind you of your ever burgeoning velocity; said reminder invariably reserved for the deployment of brakes all of the massive power of which must occasionally be called upon to gather everything back in…

It’s perhaps a little unkind to conjure images of hippos in tutus from Disney’s Fantasia in the context of the S8, but it is remarkably agile for a machine of this size, even if your passengers may not thank you for demonstrating the fact to them.

In all, the S8 is an awful lot of car for 100 grand. I can’t, off the top of my head, think of anything else for the price which so artfully marries luxury and performance without each attribute somewhat marring the other. If only it still looked as svelte as it used to…