DS4 Crossback
If it quacks like a duck…
The PSA’s CEO reckons it takes 30 years to create a premium brand. So, does this constitute a start, or simply identity theft? At this rate, there’ll soon be nothing left to badge Citroen.
With feathers all stubby and brown?
A marketing department’s Statutory Urbane Vehicle. 40mm higher ride than the standard car, with only the faintest whiff of added rugged. Would surely look much better if the designers had all sat in one room.
Essentially sound, or just swanning around?
Driving position and seat comfort better than Cactus. Sliding sun visors pointless once windscreen dirty. Cramped, diminutive pedals. Acceptable room astern, but rear door profile styled on Charles de Gaulle’s hooter prohibits opening windows. Lunacy.
Eider duck down or down and out…
Less than half the price of the Evoque. It shows. Far from premium in terms of switchgear, instrumentation and even interior lighting. Multimedia system boasts adequate toys, but lurks behind low-rent touch-screen visuals and tactility.
Indian running duck or waddling goose?
Not the powertrain we would choose in this company. 178bhp diesel with automatic transmission aspires to near performance parity, but that unit feels somewhat coarse and noisy in this company, and the transmission lacks smoothness.
Straight line ride pretty comfortable, but not entirely composed at speed. Lowest car here, but most roll through bends. Brakes like an on/off switch. Steering lightest, but absolutely horrible -as rubbery and inert as overcooked squid.
Verdict
Hopelessly adrift in this far pricier company. Premium aspirations require that you actually make a good car first. And this isn’t it.
Audi Q3 TDI
If it quacks like a duck…
Amongst the first of the up-market down-sizer SUVs on the market, and still a leading park-brain default premium purchase. Carefully wrought, less-brash-than-BMW brand image increasingly tarnished by both ubiquity and a mysterious tendency towards tailgating.
With feathers all stubby and brown?
How much more can Audi muck about with the Big Grille before it lands a role in a Sci-Fi B movie..? Mercifully, modest remoulding leaves this specimen remarkable only for its unremarkableness -an ocular exercise in body-temperature bathing.
Essentially sound, or just swanning around?
Exceptionally well screwed together cabin and the finest environment here, particularly after dark. Inadequate rake adjustment south requires chasing the helm north, but otherwise outstanding seat comfort and ergonomics. Spacious rear seats with good visibility.
Eider duck down or down and out…
Multimedia system still last generation, and all the better for it; fast and intuitive. As ever, £6500 worth of options needed to ladle on all the toys, but far cheaper than X1 and wallet-melting Evoque.
Indian running duck or waddling goose?
Gives away 47bhp and 52lb ft to the X1, but doesn’t feel that much slower through the gears. Manual gear change tolerable, but somehow feels a chore. £1580 spend recommended to afford more apt automatic transmission.
The swan can swim whilst sitting down....
Feels lighter on its feet than the BMW, with sharper turn in. Also fidgets less at low speeds. Less informative steering, though, and less firmly planted as speed rises, with more body movement and cornering roll.
Verdict
Incredibly easy to live with, incredibly hard to find fault with. Is to the segment what London was to Dr Johnson.
BMW X1 xDrive25d
If it quacks like a duck…
The original X1 was largely worthless, save as a demonstration of the brand power of the blue propeller. How else could such a woeful effort outsell the X3 in the UK? This has to be better.
With feathers all stubby and brown?
Given the limitations of a box with kidney bean bows, a huge styling improvement over the first iteration. Properly proportioned front end, and the dent marks visited on the sides by F Giles’ telehandler all but removed.
Essentially sound, or just swanning around?
Typical post-Bangle BMW interior; apologetically inching back the good stuff after his ugly American furnishings apocalypse. Seats firm but not uncomfortable, yet strangely tricky to get entirely comfortable behind the wheel. Stacks of room astern.
Eider duck down or down and out…
Depends on whether or not you enjoy iDrive operation, electronic indicators and all other stock BMW paraphernalia, here including a whopping £9855 worth of optional extras. And that probably depends on the colour of your braces.
Indian running duck or waddling goose?
Fastest, most powerful offering here, pleasingly eager and enthusiastically quick, with silken power delivery through faultless 8-speed transmission. Engine noise almost totally overwhelmed by excessive tyre roar, however, until door mirror wind noise takes over.
The swan can swim whilst sitting down….
Low speed ride unusual, and fidgety. But settles extremely well with speed into poised, firmly planted progress with classy body control and little roll. Meaty, accurate steering a little low on information. Highest grip levels here.
Verdict
Most powerful, most engaging drive of the group and infinitely superior to its predecessor. But you bought into that clunker anyway, didn’t you..?
CAR WINNER
Range Rover Evoque
If it quacks like a duck…
Combine the evergreen stature of Julian Thomson’s design with a green oval brand powerful enough to price a Freelander as a Range Rover, and it’s easy to see why the Evoque’s 2016 model-year changes are so hard to see.
With feathers all stubby and brown?
Hard to believe how well this silhouette has stood the test of time. Happily, the overall exterior design is strong enough to withstand the trivial, largely pointless tinkerings here visited upon it. Money better spent on board…
Essentially sound, or just swanning around?
The strength of the Evoque’s interior lies in the visual power and homogeny of the architecture. Its weakness lies in poor front seat ergonomics, somewhat chthonic, cramped and hard-arsed rear accommodation, and behind the curve technology…
Eider duck down or down and out…
Despite an upgrade boasting better graphics and easier operation, the multimedia system remains simply not good enough for a car of this price. Grubbiest tech’ by far, however, is a head-up display cheaply crafted from papyrus parchment.
Indian running duck or waddling goose?
JLR’s own-brand, slightly mooo-prone turbodiesel is, then, the sole fundamental of the Evoke overhaul. 9-speed transmission hunting like a rabid spaniel, it conjures near-identical performance to its larger predecessor, but better mpg and CO2 figures.
The swan can swim whilst sitting down….
God they’re going to miss Mike Cross when he goes… The toughest low speed ride here is more than compensated for by the Evoque’s beguiling meld of imperious motorway dismissal and eyebrow-disrupting handling alacrity.
Verdict
Ageing well. But far more money must be invested in on-board technology in an over-expensive car that remains technologically behind the curve.