Vauxhall Viva SE
Plenty to choose from, so why this one?
A new kid on the A-segment block. Combining a one litre unit available in other small Vauxhalls with a name available since 1963, this has all the hallmarks of a Corsa left a tad long in the boil wash.
Ostrich egg size presumably obviates style…
The original, sharp-suited Viva made Ford Anglia and Morris Minor rivals look instantly geriatric. This is more instantly generic, and the poor thing’s so creased it looks to have been dropped before it had set.
Tardis, or simply tight squeeze?
Despite plastic- and chrome-heavy, stock Vauxhall finishes, the interior is tidy and comfortable. Good driving position, and room in the back for adult knees, despite rear door opening tighter than the mouth of a toddler threatened with castor oil.
Don’t suppose you get many toys for this sort of money?
DAB radio, and the only car here boasting steering wheel mounted switchgear. But the Intellilink infotainment system pandering to the connectivity-crazed yoof who can’t afford a brand new car is, bizarrely, not available until next year.
Couldn’t pull a muscle in a shellfish disco…
In the land of butch, three-cylinder sewing machines, the Vauxhall’s 74bhp should be king, rasping the Viva over the 60mph threshold like a handful of confetti, in just 13.1 seconds. But the Celerio is a fraction quicker.
Easier to live with than impetigo…
Largely, yes. One of the more comfortable, quiet offerings here with decent rear seat accommodation and boot space. Perfectly pleasant to drive, with light, accurate steering, good brakes and engaging, vice-free handling.
Verdict
A solid effort which instantly humbles many who have been in the game for longer.
Desperately needs proper infotainment right now, though.
Suzuki Celerio SZ3
Plenty to choose from, so why this one?
Another new kid on the block, but, one suspects, destined for a very different customer base to that targeted by the Viva. Given Suzuki’s past propensity for sharing small cars with Vauxhall, this should be interesting…
Ostrich egg size presumably obviates style…
The box the Citigo came in. After a passable effort at frontal styling, the designers have somewhat succumbed to the set square. Still, that approach has successfully informed several decades of voluminous Volvo estates.
Tardis, or simply tight squeeze?
Hilariously inferior quality plastics -unintelligible, given the élan with which Suzuki motorcycles are detailed. Acceptable driving position, and the most commodious rear seating here allied to rear doors that open wider than a medieval castle drawbridge.
Don’t suppose you get many toys for this sort of money?
Air-conditioning, DAB radio, Bluetooth connectivity and a USB socket. Falls short of the pack on infotainment, but -she having only recently traded in her Suffragette-basketed bike for four wheels- provides everything the local midwife will require.
Couldn’t pull a muscle in a shellfish disco…
Despite giving away 7bhp to the mighty Viva, this is the quickest car here. It’s also the most vocal by some considerable chalk (in a grin-eliciting fashion), and feels the most eager to please.
Easier to live with than impetigo…
With road and engine noise dominating, this is the least restful cabin here, not least because you’ll need shades to take the shine off the dashboard plastics. Terrifyingly aggressive brakes will turn your terrier into a bonnet mascot at a touch.
Verdict
Easily the most spacious offering here, and a drive that’s just sufficiently alive to keep you interested. Fire the plastics department.
Renault Twingo Play
Plenty to choose from, so why this one?
Despite having been firmly trounced in every aspect of the packaging stakes by VW’s Up, the rear-engined, rear-wheel drive Twingo has been relentlessly garnering awards on the basis of its innovative packaging. Commence head scratching.
Ostrich egg size presumably obviates style…
The sole un-burst compartment of the balloon animal extant the day after the birthday party. The only straight line available is on the rear shoulder; an irrelevant nod to another model altogether -the 5 Turbo.
Tardis, or simply tight squeeze?
Nowhere to rest your clutch foot, and the demountable storage box in front of the gear lever saws away at your leg like a crazed Crimea battlefield surgeon. Least room in the back here, and a diminutive boot.
Don’t suppose you get many toys for this sort of money?
Sort of; in as much as infotainment connectivity is reliant on your own phone, plus attendant dangling cable… System works satisfactorily, but is about as visually well integrated as a bowler hat on a seal.
Couldn’t pull a muscle in a shellfish disco…
Thrumming across the 62mph line like a wounded bumble bee, the Twingo’s 14.5 second dash makes it slower on the uptake than anything else here. A gear change baggier than a clown’s trousers doesn’t help.
Easier to live with than impetigo…
Actually just as irritating. Flawed driving position gangs up with other ergonomic glitches and brakes that wake with an unseemly start half way through the pedal travel to consistently distract from tidy handling and the best ride quality here.
Verdict
The original, first generation Twingo remains the purest, best looking and cleverest iteration of this car. Sorry; this one will never win an award from me.
Skoda Citigo Monte Carlo
Plenty to choose from, so why this one?
Part of the VW group triumvirate that forced the A-segment to grow up, proving that small need no longer equate to My Little Pony build quality, funfair waltzer handling and equipment levels on a par with a housebrick.
Ostrich egg size presumably obviates style…
The box that, despite its award-winning packaging, the Twingo won’t fit into. Ignore the graffiti and this is as handsome as the Up from every angle but the front, where the latter’s V8 Vantage blanking plate rules.
Tardis, or simply tight squeeze?
The most mature offering here, both in terms of the quality of the environment and the comfort of the driving position. A whiff more rear legroom than the Twingo, and you can opt for four doors.
Don’t suppose you get many toys for this sort of money?
All Citigo models from SE grade upwards get the dashtop-mounted Portable Infotainment Device -a euphemism for a neat little Garmin touch-screen tablet which fits the bill nicely. And there’s now a passenger window switch on the driver’s door. Hoorah.
Couldn’t pull a muscle in a shellfish disco…
Only a tenth slower to 62mph than the Twingo despite deploying 10bhp less, the Citigo’s triple-pot is the quietest and smoothest unit here, and is also mated to the sweetest gear change. Afford the 74bhp alternative.
Easier to live with than impetigo…
Definitely. Though not the most spacious offering in the segment, this is easily finest interior environment on offer, and, with the Viva in hot pursuit, the most tidily resolved from a powertrain and driving dynamics perspective.
Verdict
Still the leading pint-sized package, which others can only aspire to emulate. Forget the decals and go for the 5-door SE for £9,485.