Vauxhall Astra SRI Nav
Who Giveth these Wheels…?
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. This is the seventh iteration of a car serially fated to follow two truly great hatchbacks up the aisle. Waterproof mascara still a must for the spinster of this parish, then..?
Jasper Conran or Giant Meringue?
At first glance a safer study that the snappy, current generation three-door, but gently elegant for all that. Less chrome, less overt evidence of Adams’ blade work, and C pillar a cheeky homage to Mk 1 Focus.
Tented Village or Village Hall?
Huge improvement. Dashboard design is sharp-suited and clean, with elegant integration of the touch-screen. Switchgear functionally intuitive, but still too much chrome. Driving position ruined by console box lid elbow interruptus. Stacks of legroom astern.
Small Things on Toast or Posh Caterers?
Astra at last leads the connectivity stakes by a clear length, with a Wifi hotspot, both Apple CarPlay and Android Auto, and the company’s OnStar concierge/emergency call/on-board diagnostics system fitted as standard. Bluetooth connectivity a doddle.
Pol Roger Reserve or Pink Prosecco?
Quickest of the 148bhp triplets quoted here thanks to draconian pre-nuptial dieting. Eager engine with an engaging soundtrack which would be even more entertaining to exploit with a shorter gear lever throw and less clutch vagary.
Crawl Over Her to Get to You…
Well judged balance of ride comfort and handling agility, with a mild tendency to float over larger undulations. Road noise dominates, giving the driver all the surface information the steering refuses to. Huge potential for hot version.
Verdict
Presentable and polished. Even if still carrying the train, the Astra now has a better chance than ever of a little usher action on the day.
Ford Focus Zetec S
Who Giveth these Wheels…?
Every wedding needs an under-wired vamp to keep gently intoxicated fathers-in-law interested, and the Focus is now sufficiently long in the tooth to fit the bill. Still teaches more decorous youngsters a thing or two, though…
Jasper Conran or Giant Meringue?
‘It all comes out of a bottle these days’, echoes the sotto voce snipe from the back of the church. Botox can never better the original, but this Aston Martin Smith grille treatment is a marked improvement.
Tented Village or Village Hall?
Increasingly tired looking interior with unpleasantly swollen dashboard starting to feel notably low-rent. Surprised not to find basketball court markings on the floor. Fine driving position. Plenty of room in the back on bruisingly firm bench.
Small Things on Toast or Posh Caterers?
Though Zetec S standard spec is respectable, the infotainment’s no great shakes. So, for £250, the addition of a good quality 8″ touch-screen incorporating sat’ nav’ and DAB radio is not only a steal, it’s essential.
Pol Roger Reserve or Pink Prosecco?
80 kg heavier than the Astra, and doesn’t feel that quick out of the traps. Doesn’t matter, though. Glorious powertrain with rorty noises off gangs up with crisp, precise gear change to elicit serious enthusiasm.
Crawl Over Her to Get to You…
Evidence of the sizeable fortune splurged on the Mk 1 by Parry-Jones still shines through. Fantastic steering, flat, tingling ride and fabulous poise gives it the ability to effortlessly maintain a higher speed through corners than the rest.
Verdict
Lamb dressed as mutton. But definitely still worth an extended run under the duvet.
Kia Pro_cee’d GT
Who Giveth these Wheels…?
Hopeless name masks interesting automotive register office guest. Presents as the starched colonel’s rebellious daughter but -a whiff of social Tourette’s and the odd crafty spliff aside- may prove too gentile to cause genuine outrage.
Jasper Conran or Giant Meringue?
Crouching Tiger Hidden Drag Queen. Handsome Schreyer effort with a racy waistline and matronly hips. Some of the jewellery’s a trifle paste, however, such as egg-crate running lights and sperm whale cough sweet-sized tail lamps.
Tented Village or Village Hall?
Interior a vast improvement on Kias of yore, but still sufficient acreage of elephant hide to host extended safari. Switchable driver’s dials a nice touch, but front of over-angled seat base unpleasantly intrusive. Rear chthonic.
Small Things on Toast or Posh Caterers?
DAB radio added, CD player deleted. TomTom sat’ nav’ via 7″ touch screen and rapid phone connectivity. High standard spec including the only reversing camera here, and also the only proper keyless entry to match keyless go.
Pol Roger Reserve or Pink Prosecco?
Quickest here, but a porker on a par with the Focus, so not by a margin that a 53bhp advantage might posit. Engine eager to rev and eager to shout about it; enjoys a good thrashing.
Crawl Over Her to Get to You…
Speculation that this is an even less worthy candidate for a carnival music-backed ad campaign than the mouth-desiccating mastication marathon that is Ryvita would be misplaced; the Kia delivers healthy dollops of old-fashioned hot-hatch fun. But…
Verdict
…Given the price tag, the premise of more go for less money doesn’t really hold water. More mild- than wild-child in this company.
Volkswagen Golf R-Line
Who Giveth these Wheels…?
Stifling a self-satisfied smirk as it carelessly lobs the bouquet over its shoulder en route to Mr Clooney’s agreeable villa on the shores of Lake Como; the Golf has been wantonly stealing hearts for seven generations.
Jasper Conran or Giant Meringue?
Not a Tramp Stamp in sight; a pocket-sized colossus of understated elegance and classy detailing. Cast-iron proof that you don’t have to reach for the French curves or sheet steel origami handbook to conjure a pretty, properly proportioned car.
Tented Village or Village Hall?
Stilton mature, painstakingly refined and superbly screwed together interior. Terrific driving position with the best forward visibility here. Plenty of room aft on properly comfortable seats. The only ergonomic glitch is awkward helm-mounted volume switchgear.
Small Things on Toast or Posh Caterers?
Satisfactory rather than extravagant standard specification. Simple, clear, intuitive infotainment operation an ongoing hallmark. Yoof will favour the Astra’s app..titude, grown-ups will be more than happy with all here save £320 fleecing for ‘Advanced telephone prep’.
Pol Roger Reserve or Pink Prosecco?
Great engine, lusty in tone and temperament; installed in the lightest car here and abetted by tidy gear change, surprisingly quick too. Undetectable two-cylinder shut off boasts the best fuel economy and emissions here.
Crawl Over Her to Get to You…
Solid, refined and revoltingly good at simply getting on with it. All controls a constant pleasure to use, with a new-found deftness and danceability about the handling which renders the £830 adaptive chassis option pointless.
Verdict
Wonderfully compleat car; nearly perfect. Reassuringly expensive, the Golf will continue to consign piggy banks to the endangered species list. Hurry while stocks last…
CAR WINNER